My mom deserves 365 days of recognition. A fact that I may not have fully realized until 6 years and 11 months ago. Becoming a mom allows you to truly honor your own. That is not to say you are unable to understand the undeniable incredibleness of your mother without having become one yourself. I knew my mom was incredible long before I had children. I knew she was incredible when I went off to college and called her 17 times a day to get directions on just about everything I did. "Do I call or email?" "Do I boil or steam?" "Do I buy the bargain brand or the name brand?" "How long?" "What temperature?" "How the hell do you fold a fitted sheet?" I remember at a parents weekend sorority event I sat at a table with 4 of my closest friends and their moms (knowing damn well my mom dislikes events like this) and listening to the other moms go on and on about how much they missed their daughters. My mom was very quiet. Finally, another mother asked my mom, "what do you miss about having Nickie at home?" My mom laughed. Sipped her wine. Then she said, and I will never forget it, "Nickie has never for one second allowed me to miss her." All the moms looked puzzled. They were most likely thinking, how could this mother not miss her daughter terribly as we miss ours? What they didn't realize is that I spoke to my mother more times in a day then their daughters called in a month. I called her before class, during class, after class, before bed, during dinner, while I went to the bathroom and thought of another question. I missed her terribly. Not in a needy way. Ha! Just in a, I cannot do anything without this woman's approval way.
During college, I moved home and transferred schools, pregnant with Addison. My neediness only worsened. Every time she kicked I asked her if that was normal. Every pound I gained I asked her if I was getting too fat. When I ate ice cream with strawberries for breakfast for a solid week, I opened the freezer the following week to find frozen yogurt. She has always known best. Maybe not for everyone. But for me. She has always known just what I need to hear. She has given tough love for most of my life. She rarely says I love you back when we hang up the phone. She isn't much of a hugger or cuddler or hair putter upper. She didn't paint my nails. She didn't get giddy seeing me in my prom dress. She is the most amazing grandmother I have ever seen. My kids fight out of my arms to be snuggled in hers. She cried at my wedding.
Now, as a mother, I rely on her more than ever. I remember when we lived downstairs and Addison got sick in the middle of the night. I was woken by Addison's pain cry-which meant I needed to get to her, and quickly. Zach beat me to her. He held her in his arms as she threw up all down his back. She was hysterical. Crying harder than I had ever heard her little body cry. She was sick. Really sick. For the first time in her short three or four month life. I grabbed her from him and went darting up the steps. Zach called up to me, "where are you going, don't you dare wake her!" But that is the thing, he knew. He knew I needed her in this moment, just as I have every single moment I can remember. I needed her to tell me she was OK. I needed her to hold me while I held her. You never outgrow the need for your mother even when you become one and you are the mother in need.
Every day, I try to be more like her. I try to be a better planner. I try to be tidier. I try to do more laundry (this one will just never ever happen). I still call her nearly every day-although now it is calls with questions about my 401K and health insurance and which car to buy and what soap to use and what to spray my stains with and how long to cook my garden beans she gave me and if I should take Lucas to the doctor again. I still invite myself to dinner when I miss her. I know that I am not her. We are very different. I don't know the quilt/fabric expression that relates to this very thing, but we are different patches-different patterns. In the world of fabric metaphors-she is solid for sure. I am floral and polka dotted. Girly-have been since day one. I like to paint my own nails once a week. I like to get dressed up. I love a slumber party. I get giddy over baking with Addison. I love planning. I love weddings. I love dresses, frills, lace, curls. I whine. I pout. Things my mother would never be caught dead doing (I think this is the raised in the south part of me). I adore decorating my house for Christmas (this is NOT a chore for me as it always was for her). I curl my hair and buy far too many handbags and shoes. But, I am like her to. I always buy things on sale. I take control. I always know what is missing. I like hand me downs. I like to walk barefoot. I love to cook. I love to be surrounded by people I love. Just like her.
So, this mothers day, and every single day, I honor her. I love her. I remind her that I love her. I ask her how the hell she did it. How she continues to do it. And she just smiles that tight smile. And in her head I like to think she is thinking "you get it." And she is right. I do. I get it. She does it because she loves her children unconditionally, whether she says it when we hang up the phone or not. She would do anything for any one of us-any day of the week-any time of the night. I die inside every second the thought crosses my mind that she won't be with me forever.
"Mommy how about Nanny keeps me sometimes-you know, I stay with her more nights."
"But mommy and daddy will miss you too much."
"Well, I can just stay with her on Mondays and Wednesdays and Thursdays and Sundays"
"That is a lot of days. Won't you miss us-me and daddy?"
"Mommy, what is the day today?"
"Wednesday."
"Take me to Nannys."
