Inner Voices

With the craziness that is the first week of June in my family, I am only just now getting to sit down and write. I have found lately that writing is taking a major backseat to life, which is normally completely unacceptable to me-but somehow right now, it has felt necessary. With how fast everything is moving, I can hardly catch my breath. Summer officially kicked off for us on Memorial Day weekend-since for some unknown reason school decided to let out that Thursday. It has been non stop ever since. We spent a wonderful weekend in Charleston with Zach's step sister Megan and her family. She has three pretty amazing kiddos-two of which share a birthday, big bright eyes, humongous contagious smiles- and are squeezably irresistible. Let's just say that I had to remind Zach (and myself) that we are quite content with our two munchkins. We spent a couple days on the sand with a 5:4 kid adult ratio. It was busy and beautiful and exhausting. Since then, we have been to birthday parties, planned weddings, hosted sleep overs, obsessed over Clara on Saturdays, and all around just been flat out non stop. So needless to say, when June decided to come around-I was ill prepared.

Somehow, when Addison becomes one year older-it really rattles me. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that her life was the beginning of my adult and married life. As you know, if you have read past birthday posts, I don't...um...I don't deal with it all that well. I do understand and fully realize that I cannot make time slow down. I cannot stop the world from swirling around us. It is going to keep turning into night before I have even digested morning. But, I can still stamp my feet and whine a bit. Right? 

The colossal mistake we (I) made this weekend was charging our old camcorder (is that what we still call them?). I don't know what idiotic voice in my head told me it was a good idea, but that voice and I-we are officially not on speaking terms. When Zach and I first hit play huddled in the kitchen in the dark after Lucas had dozed off, I was the expected amount of nostalgic as I watched Addison eat wrapping paper Christmas morning while toddling as she attempted to sit on her own. Her big grin and rubber band chubby wrists made me a bit whispy eyed-obviously-but I slept easy that night thinking about that small baby that all those years ago was our only. I didn't fret. I don't really miss that stage all that much at this juncture in our lives-likely because we have a toddler now and are unable to really think about anything other than putting out fires and begging he and Addison to quit hitting and snatching. It was Friday night that really destroyed me. After Zane and Hannah left our place, Zach and I decided to torture ourselves just a bit more with home video watching. This time, it was Christmas morning when she was about two and a half. 

I. nearly. died.   

See, there is this weird thing that comes with parenting. This ability to push through. To put one foot in front of the other (with a ton of coffee and wine, lots of wine) and just forge on. No matter how hard it gets. No matter how many sleepless nights. Flu's and vomit. Ear aches. First days of school. Clinging mornings at daycare. Tears, tears and more tears-from both sides. You just watch the minutes tick by on the clock and eventually the hard stuff passes. The good stuff is more like a blip. It comes and goes so quickly you have to hold on for dear life if you actually plan to live in the moment. After all this pushing and clinging, moments have passed you by. And all the sudden last week feels like a distant memory and last year, a different lifetime. So, imagine what six years ago feels like. Or, for that matter-imagine what 30 years ago feels like to my parents. It quite honestly, and quite simply, feels like a lifetime ago. As you look back on it-whether it's still frames or home videos, it feels unreal. The faces looking back at you are your own-but in a way, it's as if they are strangers. Addison's little footie pajamas and whispy long brown hair and sweet little baby teeth and adorably mispronounced words are all like a dream, another lifetime. That is what is so terrifying. One day, I will see this age that way. One day, God willing, I will be seeing her though her little sweet angels eyes. 

So, yeah, it is a birthday. A small milestone in the grand scheme of things. This I know. But honestly, it is so much more than that. It is one year closer to another year that I will soon look back on and long for. Last night as she and I read together snuggled in her bed, I realized that right now she really likes to snuggle and read with me. Right now she wants my attention. Right now she begs me to listen. But that will not always be the case. So, I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. I will keep watching minutes tick by at the office until I get home to she and Lucas. I wish it was in our nature to really envelope each second of this life with slow blissful enjoyment and happiness-but life gets in the way of that. So, until her next birthday, I will just live in the present moment. I will try to convince myself that this year will pass a bit more slowly if I just take a few more breaths and slow things down. I will say that I'll make less commitments. I will say that I will read with her more. I will say that I will yell less. But realistically, life will keeping being life and time will keep passing as quickly (if not more so) as it has this past year.  But that inner voice of mine and I, we are not on speaking terms. 

Happy Birthday Boops. Please, please quit growing so fast. 

Cue still frames of summer so far.